


For all the Things my Hands have Held (The Best by Far is You)

by RemyJane



Series: The Best by Far is You [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, Purposeful Baby Acquisition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 02:03:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13284603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemyJane/pseuds/RemyJane
Summary: There was an empty bed, a bassinet, and a recliner. There was a sink, a window overlooking the city, and a small table. But none of those things registered because Nicky was standing in the middle of the room shirtless, with the tiniest baby Alex had ever seen cradled to his chest as he swayed.————Nicky adopts a baby and Alex falls in love.





	For all the Things my Hands have Held (The Best by Far is You)

Nicky missed a game. 

Nicky didn’t miss games. He’d been at morning skate, had ignored Alex’s offer to get lunch, and had disappeared afterwards. 

He missed the game. 

The coaching staff made vague excuse for him, saying that Nicky had personal matters to attend to, that he wasn’t hurt or in trouble. Alex had never known Nicky to miss games. Nicky played hurt, he played sick, he played through migraine headaches. Nicky was tough. 

And he missed the game. 

They won, though the ice felt lonely without Nicky to his side. Alex called him before he even showered; the phone rang twice before going to voicemail. After showering and finishing his media obligations, Alex found he had a text from Nicky. 

It was an address, and then it instructed him to call when he got there. Perplexed, Alex followed his GPS, concerned when he realized he was heading to a hospital. Alex called Nicky as he drove into the parking lot and this time he answered. 

“Nicky! You ok? You hurt?” He asked as he parked his car hastily, hoping it was inside the lines. 

“I’m fine.” Nicky sounded strangely calm, the sort of forced calm that he manufactured after wins, when he was trying to keep his excitement to himself. 

“What room you in?” Alex said. “I’m outside.”

“224.” Nicky answered. 

“Ok. Just a minute.” Alex jogged across the parking lo

The second floor had the labor and delivery ward, as well as the nursery. Alex was wondering if it was some sort of elaborate joke, but when he was stopped at the front desk, the polite nurse smiled at him. “Who are you here to see?” She asked.

“Backstrom. Room 224.” 

She nodded, smiling. “Of course. Go on ahead, it’s right down the hall.” 

Alex nodded, slowly making his way down. He could hear babies crying and laughter and soothing voices floating out of various rooms. The door to 224 was slightly ajar and he pushed it open after rapping his knuckles on the wood once. 

There was an empty bed, a bassinet, and a recliner. There was a sink, a window overlooking the city, and a small table. But none of those things registered because Nicky was standing in the middle of the room shirtless, with the tiniest baby Alex had ever seen cradled to his chest as he swayed. 

“Nicky…” he breathed. 

Nicky smiled at him, glowing with happiness. “Meet Hanna.” Alex stepped closer, looking. The baby was asleep, her face scrunched. She had a pacifier in her mouth and a warm hat that was a little too big for her head. 

“She’s beautiful.” Alex said. The little nose and fingers captivated him, drawing him in. 

“Thanks. She’s mine. My daughter.” The words sounded strange, like Nicky was still testing them out. 

“Where is her mom?” Alex asked, confused. ‘Who is her mom?’ He wanted to ask. Hanna fussed and Nicky grabbed a bottle from the bedside table, gently coaxing the nipple between her lips. She began to work the bottle vigorously, calming again. 

“She’s adopted.” Nicky explained, settling in the chair. “She’s only mine.” 

Alex sat on the edge of the bed, nodding as he tried to absorb all the information. “Why?”

Nicky wiped up a drop of milk that dribbled down Hanna’s- his daughter’s- chin. “I’ve always wanted kids.” 

“Tom and Andre not enough?” Alex teased. 

Nicky chuckled. “I didn’t want to wait any longer.” Alex didn’t know the specifics, because Nicky was deeply private, but Alex knew he’d been seeing someone and it had ended badly about 6 months ago. 

Alex had many questions turning round in his brain, but Nicky was so happy. He was bright and shining with joy and Alex didn’t want anything to dim that. “What’s her middle name?” He asked, leaning closer. Her little pink cheeks moved as she drank, her eyes occasionally fluttering open. 

“Catrin. After my mom.” Nicky explained quietly. 

“Hanna Catrin Backstrom.” Alex said aloud. “So little.” He reached out and touched her tiny hand, moving until her hand clenched around his finger. As quickly as that, Alex was in love, with her and Nicky. Though, his feelings for Nicky had always been warm. 

He looked perfect holding his daughter, proud and loving and open. “I take picture, need lots of pictures for baby book.” Nicky even looked happy in the photo, which Alex knew was rare. 

“Thanks.” Nicky said gently. He checked Hanna’s progress on the bottle and gave it back once he determined she probably needed more. 

“You have all baby stuff you need? Team have to have baby shower for you.” Alex decided. 

“I have most of it. She’s a few weeks early though.” Nicky said, worrying at his lip. 

“She’s ok though? Looks healthy.” Alex said, looking closer. 

“Yeah, she’s ok. They said I can take her home in the morning.” Nicky exhaled heavily, the wonder starting to wear off. “My parents are coming, but not until May.” 

“You have baby right before play-offs?”

“Not on purpose.” Nicky laughed. “She was suppose to be born May 9th.” 

“Still during play-offs.” Alex said. Nicky looked up, his eyes unguarded and a little hurt. “She wanted to see her papa win first round, obviously.” Alex said quickly, grinning; anything to take away that look from Nicky’s face. 

“I guess so.” Nicky said, a little quieter, a little less certain. “I got lucky, it usually takes longer to be matched up.” Hanna had fallen asleep, mouth lax around the bottle. Nicky set it to the side, sitting her over his shoulder to burp her. Once that was accomplished, he laid her on his chest over his heart. He covered the both of them with the light receiving blanket. 

“Why no shirt?” Alex asked. “Trying to impress nurses?” He teased, inwardly delighting when Nicky blushed pink and laughed softly. 

“They said the skin to skin contact is really important, especially since she was a little early.” He explained. 

“How much she weigh?” 

“A little more than 2.5 kilos.” Nicky said, adjusting her hat so it didn’t cover her eyes. “Her birth mom is petite, so she’s maybe just little.” His voice was warm and fond, eyes fixed on his daughter. 

“I get her Ovechkin jersey.” Alex decided. “Best jersey.”

“Sure.” Nicky rolled his eyes. 

“Who is watching her when you play?”

Nicky’s glow faded. “I don’t know. My parents were coming to help, but they won’t be here for a week.” He looked anxious, biting his lip as he stared at the sleeping baby. “I don’t know.” Alex recognized panic no matter how well Nicky concealed it. 

“My mama can watch her for games and practices.” Alex offered. 

“Doesn't she want to see you play, though?” Nicky fretted. 

Alex chuckled. “Mama rather hold baby.” He assured the Swede.

“You’re sure?”

“I text her.” Alex said, snapping a picture of Hanna and sending it to his mother, asking if she’d like to babysit for Nicky. Moments later, he received an enthusiastic reply. “She say yes, wants to watch best baby.” 

“Thank you. Tell her thank you for me.” Nicky said, relaxing back in the chair. 

“Is what we do, Nicky. Team is family.” He assured him. 

A crease formed between Nicky’s eyebrows, like he’d been accused; Alex wouldn’t- Alex couldn’t, even if he’d wanted to, find it in himself to be upset at Nicky. “I wasn’t- I wasn’t keeping her a secret. Just, it all happened fast and then she came early. I thought I’d have more time.” 

“Is ok. We throw big party for Hanna.” Alex decided. He settled his hand on Nicky’s shoulder, squeezing once and feeling him relax a little. 

“I guess I can’t argue with that.” Nicky said. “Could you do me a favor?”

“Anything.” 

“Could you send out a picture of her? To the team. They should know.” Nicky asked. He shifted Hanna gently from one side to the other, tracing a finger along the line of her cheek. “I have her weight written down and stuff.” 

Alex found the piece of paper with Hanna’s time of birth and weight. He composed a mass text to the team. ‘Meet Hanna Catrin Backstrom, best baby! 19 inches, 6lbs, born 12:58 April 24th’. He took a close-up picture of her, little face scrunched up against Nicky’s chest. 

Nicky shifted again. “Do you want to hold her?” He asked.

“You sure?”

“You won’t drop her.” He said. Nicky vacated the chair and gestured for Alex to take his place. A little awkwardly, Nicky placed Hanna in his arms. She was so tiny, Alex thought, holding her little hand. 

“Hi. You don’t know yet, but Nicky is best papa.” He said conspiratorially. Nicky rolled his eyes. “He practice, is papa for whole team.”

That night, Alex dreamed about little babies and Nicky’s beautiful smile, the true smile Alex only saw rarely. He woke a little unsettled, a little sad, though he didn’t know why. Rolling over, he went back to sleep until his alarm went off. 

Nicky wasn’t at practice that day. Alex fielded questions about Hanna, trying not to give out too much private information. After practice, he went and bought the tiniest Ovechkin jersey he could, and a Backstrom one as well; Nicky was too humble to buy his own jersey. 

He picked up food, texted Nicky to let him know he was bringing it, and drove over. Nicky texted him to tell him to let himself in. When he entered the house, quietly so as not to disturb the baby, he found Nicky in the living room sprawled on the couch. Hanna was asleep on his chest, one tiny fist clutching the edge of her blanket. 

“Hungry?” He said, holding up the bag. Nicky looked up at him, looking exhausted. “She not sleep?”

“She slept fine.”

“You not sleep?” Nicky shrugged. Alex sat down beside him, unwrapping their sandwiches and laying them out on the coffee table. “Why?”

“I was just...worried. She’s so little.” 

“Doctors say she is big enough.” Alex said. “She’s ok. Best baby, with best papa.” He squeezed his shoulder. 

“Thanks.” 

“Here, give me. I hold, you eat.” 

“Are you s-“ 

“Eat, Nicky.” Alex said more firmly. Nicky nodded and carefully transferred Hanna into Alex’s arms. Already, he looked a little more confident in handling her, Alex noted. 

Nicky ate in relative silence, almost in a sort of daze. “Now shower.” Alex decided. Nicky blinked at him, maybe surprised Alex was making decisions for him. “And then nap.” 

“Alex-“

“Is not trouble, Nicky. Like to hold babies.” Alex said, rocking Hanna gently. 

“If you’re sure. There’s a bottle made up for her in the fridge and the bottle warmer is on the counter.” Nicky stifled a yawn. 

“Diapers in nursery?” Alex guessed. Nicky nodded. He looked like he was considering being difficult, so Alex pushed him a little with his foot. “If we need help, I wake you.” He promised; Alex had google, he could figure this out. 

“Ok.” 

Nicky ended up sleeping for two hours, stumbling back into the living room with truly riotous tangles, bags still under his eyes. “Everything ok?” He asked. 

“She eat, I change diaper, no one dead.” Alex said. Nicky laughed, dropping down beside them in the couch. “Sleep ok?”

“Yeah. Thank you.”

“Babies take lots of help.” Alex shrugged. Nicky leaned against him, looking down at his daughter. 

“Is she wearing your jersey?” He asked softly. Alex didn’t want to move; Hanna was warm in his arms and Nicky warm against his side, smelling a little like shampoo. 

“Best jersey.” Alex explained. 

“She’ll throw up on it.” Nicky said. 

“Not the first time.” Alex pointed out. 

Nicky chuckled. “True.” 

“Definitely cutest person though.” Alex stroked his thumb down her cheek. “So, game tomorrow. You play?” 

Nicky deflated a little. “I feel like I have to.” Alex nodded in understanding. 

“I can go get my mama, she can come meet Hanna. Watch her here, probably easiest.” Alex suggested. 

“Are you sure?”

“Team is family.” ‘Especially you’, He added mentally. 

When Alex and Tatiana returned 45 minutes later, Alex letting himself in. Nicky was dozing on the couch, his hand cupping Hanna to his chest. He straightened when he saw them. 

“Thank you so much-“ Nicky started. 

Tatiana held up her hand to stop him, laughing as she shook her head. “Is ok, Nicklas.” She said, accented voice quiet. “She is…” she looked up at Alex, speaking in Russian. 

“Beautiful.” Alex supplied. 

“Yes. She is fan of Sasha now?” She asked, laughing. It took Nicky a moment to remember he hadn’t changed her out of the tiny jersey that was too big. 

“Apparently.” He smiled. “Do you want to hold her?”

Tatiana nodded and accepted the baby with a practiced ease. She cooed sweetly, humming a few bars of a lullaby as Hanna fussed at the movement before settling down. “She is so little. Sasha, big head as baby.”

“Mama…” Alex complained, grinning at Nicky. 

“She was born a little early.” Nicky explained. “But the doctor said she is ok.” 

“She is perfect.” Alex said, leaning over to take it her sleeping face. He sat down beside Nicky, dropping his arm around his shoulder. Normally, Nicky would protest, but he was exhausted; he leaned into the embrace, sighing heavily as he melted against Alex’s side. 

They’d always been close. Alex had always been one of the only people who could touch Nicky. It still took his breath away, how completely comfortable Nicky was with him. It made his heart skip a beat in his chest. He ruffled Nicky’s hair, earning a scowl. 

Soon, Nicky was starting to nod off. When Hanna cried, he moved, but Tatiana stopped him. “When she eat?”

“It’s been a couple hours.”

“I make bottle.” Tatiana said, standing. “Little girl needs lots of food, grow big and strong.” Tatiana disappeared into the kitchen, singing quietly. 

Alex reeled Nicky back in against his side. “You need help tonight?” He asked. “Game tomorrow, need sleep.” 

“Trotz said I could skip morning skate.” Nicky yawned, covering his mouth. “We’ll be fine tonight, I think.” 

“I could stay.” Alex offered. 

“Then you’d be tired too. She’s loud.” Nicky chuckled. 

“Strong lungs.” Alex nodded sagely. “Maybe opera singer.” 

Nicky snorted, grinning up at him. “Maybe.” 

“I come over tomorrow, we take turns napping.” Alex offered. 

“You boys silly.” Tatiana said, walking back in with Hanna sucking furiously on her bottle, like she’d been starving. “I watch her, you both sleep. Win first game for baby.” 

Alex looked at Nicky expectantly. “Can't argue with mama.” 

“You don’t-“

Tatiana cut him off in Russian, something directed at Alex. Alex translated. “She says, its like a gift to watch little babies. They are very precious.” Tatiana added something and Alex chuffed a gentle laugh. “And says we are both dumb.” 

“Thank you.” Nicky said with endearing earnesty. 

Alex came over the next day with his mother, to verify that Nicky survived his first night at home with the baby. 

“You didn’t sleep.” He said. Nicky was sitting on the floor in front of the couch, Hanna cradled close to him in a baby sling. Nicky blinked at him thickly. “Sleep important, Nicky.” Alex chided, unable to be anything except overly fond. 

“I just...I tried.” He let his head fall back against the couch. “What was I thinking?” Nicky looked overwhelmed, which scared Alex; Nicky was steady and stalwart, he could handle anything thrown his way. 

Tatiana clucked her tongue, stepping in when Alex faltered. “Look like parent now.” She said, her voice kind and gentle. She paused, carefully considering her words. “People think...is easy when so little, but not easy. Hardest part.” She pushes a rogue curl off his forehead. “With Sasha, I never sleep those first days. Just sit, watch him breath.” 

Nicky nodded. “I keep worrying...what if I mess something up? She’s so tiny.” Alex knew it was the two days of sleep deprivation that made Nicky’s voice crack but it still made him ache inside. 

Tatiana nodded in understanding. “Little babies are strong. Hanna is healthy, strong. And you are good for her.” She squeezed Nicky’s empty hand. “She is...She is lucky you for papa.” 

Nicky sniffed, looking away and scrubbing once at his eyes. Tatiana looked up at Alex meaningfully. 

“Nicky, naps, come on. Hanna sleep, you sleep.” Alex watched as Nicky carefully handed his daughter to Tatiana before guiding the blond upstairs. 

Nicky groaned as he flopped onto the bed. “I’m too tired to sleep.” He complained. His eyes opened into slits when he felt the mattress under Alex’s weight. “Staying in here?” 

“Making sure you sleep.” He said. Nicky nodded. Despite his concerns, Nicky was asleep within minutes. Alex pulled the blanket up over him and laid down on the other side of the bed, playing on his phone until he felt tired enough to close his eyes. 

When they woke, they found that Tatiana had changed Hanna into her Backstrom jersey. Alex watched as Nicky’s eyes went soft and deep with love; something clenched in his heart, somewhere between want and loneliness. 

“Hey there, alskling.” Nicky cooed, pressing a kiss to her forehead. He murmured something more in Swedish. Behind him, Tatiana raised her eyebrows at Alex, curious, and Alex knew instantly she remembered his age-old crush. 

“We bring Hanna puck from first game.” Alex promised. 

“And two points.” Nicky added. 

Alex took a couple pictures of Nicky and Hanna together, her tiny shoulders almost too small for her name. 

Nicky looked thoughtful in the car, a little pensive and verging on sad. “You ok?” Alex asked, studying him at the next red light. 

“Yeah.” Nicky said, always terrible at lying to Alex. They’d known each other for years; Alex knew Nicky better than he knew English. 

“Nicky…” Alex sighed. “What’s wrong?”

“I’ve been so focused on getting Hanna...the paperwork and interviews and meetings...what if I don’t know how to be her dad?” Nicky asked, mostly to the dashboard. 

“You love her.” Alex said. He squeezed Nicky’s knee. “You figure other stuff out. Have lots of help, team loves babies.” 

Nicky nodded, biting his lip and keeping quiet the rest of the ride. At the rink, their teammates swarmed Nicky with back slaps and congratulations, demanding pictures and offering their old baby clothes and toys. By the end of the day, Hanna would have more clothes pledged to her than she could ever wear. 

Nicky was smiling by the time they took the ice. There was a little extra weight to the game, more urgency. Alex didn’t know if it was because it was so near to the end of the season or because they had to finish the game to bring home a puck for Hanna. 

Either way, Nicky flicked the puck to Alex without even looking and he buried it into the back of the net, the goal horn sounding overhead. Alex threw himself into Nicky along the end boards, shouting excitedly. 

The next period, Nicky did it again; a beautiful goal that the Swede had seen before it happened. In the third, Nicky stripped the puck from the opposing team and scored an absolutely filthy goal. 

They brought home 3 pucks and two points for Hanna. 

Tatiana was smiling when she handed the baby over. “She is so good.” She said. 

Nicky kissed her chubby cheeks. He rocked her gently, still riding a wave of adrenaline. Alex dropped a quick kiss on Hanna’s forehead. 

“Good night. Let your papa sleep, ok?” He said, touching her toes. 

Nicky chuckled. “We’ll see.” 

They got through the remaining games day by day. Slowly, Nicky looked a little less heartbroken when he left Hanna behind, more like he’d learned to hide it than it had actually gotten easier. 

They had a few days between the end of the season and the first round of the playoffs. Typically, Alex spent it by eating out and drinking. It was somehow even more fun to spend it passing Hanna back and forth on Nicky’s couch, eating take-out and watching game tape. 

He told himself Nicky needed the extra set of hands. Someone should hold Hanna so Nicky could eat, shower, and catch up on sleep without worry. 

The final day, Tom and Andre stopped in, bringing food and baby toys with them, including a little stuffed eagle. Andre set a salad and pasta dish down in the kitchen, chirping at Tom to wash his hands before they hurried into the living room. 

“You’re a real Papa now!” Andre said. “She’s so cute.” 

Nicky smiled; if Alex had known how happy having a baby would make Nicky...he didn’t know what to do with that thought. 

“She’s so little.” Tom said, sitting on the arm of the couch. “Hi Hanna.” He said, tickling her foot. Hanna’s face scrunched up, but she remained otherwise indifferent. 

“Do you think the murder eyes are genetic or will she learn?” Andre asked, looking up at Tom. Nicky rolled his eyes and shook his head at Alex. 

“She learn.” Alex decided. “Most smart baby.” 

“Do you want to hold her?” Nicky asked, intentionally derailing the conversation. 

“Me first!” Andre said, settling in beside Nicky. 

“What? Why?” Tom protested. 

“Because you had to be reminded to wash your hands.” Andre said, trying to project an air of maturity that was quashed when he stuck his tongue out. 

Nicky settled Hanna is his arms, instructing him how to hold her head to support her neck. Nicky stood and stretched, his shirt riding up to reveal a sliver of his midsection. Alex was still staring when Nicky caught his eye, cocking his head curiously. There was a glint of something that disappeared as quickly as it had manifested. 

He went into the kitchen and returned with a plate, sitting in the chair and watching as he ate. Before he was halfway done, his daughter started to fuss. He moved to set his plate down but Alex beat him to it. 

“Give me baby. Needs bottle.” The Russian said, deftly scooping her out of Andre’s arms. Alex patted her back as he carried her to the kitchen. “Very cranky when hungry. You get that from your papa.” He said fondly. 

When he returned, he carefully sat back down and propped his feet up while he fed Hanna. He could feel Nicky’s eyes on him and it made his cheeks warm. Beside him Andre and Tom bickered quietly, both consciously keeping their voices down. 

“Are you planning on having the guys meet her soon?” Tom asked out of the blue. 

Nicky hummed, shrugging one shoulder. “When she’s a little bigger.” He decided. 

“Ok. I didn’t know you were adopting a kid.” 

Nicky looked down, picking at an invisible piece of lint on his knee. “I wasn’t sure how long it would take.” 

“Sure, sure.” Tom agreed easily. Then, because he had no tact. “Weren’t you dating someone?” 

Alex thought about smacking him, but Hanna was too content to disturb. He watched as Nicky’s eyes shuttered and his shoulders shrugged up defensively. “Anyone need anything?” Nicky asked, ignoring the question as he carried his plate into the kitchen. 

“What?” Tom asked, confused when Alex frowned at him. Alex rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Hanna. “I was just-“

“Done.” Alex said, to both the baby and Tom. He patted her back, imitating what he’d seen Nicky and his mother do many times. He felt oddly satisfied when he heard a gentle burp below his ear, smiling to himself. 

“I can take her so you can eat.” Nicky said, appearing behind the couch. Silently, the baby was exchanged and Nicky excused himself to change her. 

Alex frowned at Tom again. 

“I didn’t know I wasn’t suppose to ask!” Tom protested in a hushed voice. “He didn’t say anything about it.” 

“Doesn’t have to say to you.” Alex said, defending Nicky. 

That night, after their teammates had left, Alex helped Nicky tidy up the house. Nicky held his tongue as Alex chattered to fill the silence. 

In a lull, he finally spoke up. “His name was David.” 

“What?”

Nicky flushed, cheeks stained strawberry color. “I dated him for two years.” 

Alex’s eyes widened. “Oh.” And then, “didn’t know it was so long.”

Nicky laughed, like he didn’t know what else to say. “Yeah.”

“What happened?”

“He...cheated. I had no idea.” Nicky looked down at his hands, scrubbing an already-clean plate. “He said it was my fault. Because I wouldn’t stop playing.” Nicky added softly. 

“That’s bullshit.” Alex managed after sorting through a litany of russian curse words. “Fuck him.” 

Nicky smiled, gentle and bemused. “I’d rather not.” Alex laughed, relieved. He didn’t know what to do if Nicky gave into emotion. 

Nicky’s parents arrived the next morning, Alex learned via text. Not in words, but a picture of Hanna being held by her namesake. Alex tapped out a reply and closed his eyes as he laid back against the pillow. He was drifting between sleep when he received another picture, Hanna in her Ovechkin jersey, supported against Nicky with one of his hands visible. 

Alex saved it as his background, smiling and warm straight through to his middle. He looked at the picture more and more as they struggled through the post-season. Alex gave everything he had, everything he could, and they still fell flat. 

They were knocked out of the playoffs in third round, on the road. Everything stung, every interview question was laced with disappointment. Why not this year? If not now, when? What more can you do?

Alex took the stairs at the hotel; the elevator would be full of his teammates, and he couldn’t bear to face them more than he had to yet. 

On the third floor landing, he found Nicky, head in his hands and hunched over on the top step. “You ok?” Nicky startled and looked up with wet bloodshot eyes, tears ready to spill over. “Oh, Nicky…” Alex sank down beside him, draping an arm over his shoulder. 

“I’m going to be gone for so much of Hanna’s life.” He said, voice choked with emotion. “I’m going to miss so much.”

“No, no, it’s ok. You love her, she love you.” Alex said. “Is ok.” 

Nicky shook his head, covering his mouth. Alex had only seen Nicky cry a few times, and it destroyed something inside him every time. Each stifled sob was ripe with agony, torn straight from Nicky’s chest. The blond bowed his head and imploded quietly beside him, like a building collapsing in on itself. 

Alex rubbed his back, holding him to his side and not stopping the few stray tears that leaked down his own cheeks. There was nothing to say; Nicky had never been homesick like this in his career, Nicky had never been this vulnerable. There weren’t words to make it better. All Alex could do was hurt with him, letting himself wallow in his own feelings. 

Slowly, Nicky fell quiet and the shaking ceased. Alex cleared his throat. “My room.” He decided. Nicky allowed himself to be guided up another flight of stairs and down the hall. Luckily, no one was out of their rooms, no one saw Nicky’s puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. 

“I’m sorry.” Nicky said once the door closed behind them, voice rough. 

“Don’t be.” Alex handed him a bottle of water. “Is ok to miss baby.” 

Nicky fiddled with the cap, biting his lip. “Thanks.” He was seated at the foot of the bed, eyes fixed on the floor. 

“When you last sleep all night?” Alex asked; he’d been ignoring the heavy exhaustion that hung on Nicky’s shoulders, because the Swede had been able to play and that had been all Alex could focus on. He felt guilty for it now; he felt guilty about everything. 

“The night before Hanna was born.” Nicky admitted. He wiped furtively at his eyes. 

“Sleep here.” Alex said, pushing him gently up the bed. “Everything better in the morning.” He hoped. 

Nicky didn’t argue, didn’t resist, didn’t even roll his eyes. Alex had overlooked how run down he was. What kind of captain- what kind of friend- “S’not your fault.” Nicky murmured, toeing off his shoes and letting them drop to the floor. 

“Some of it is.” Alex said. Nicky shook his head. “Sleep, Nicky.” Alex insisted. 

In the morning, Alex woke up with Nicky’s arm wrapped around him and the blond slotted in behind him, pressing close. He could feel Nicky’s breath against the back of his neck, ruffling his hair where it had gotten too long. The sharp emotions of the night before were muted in the morning light and Alex felt like he could finally breathe. 

His alarm went off loudly, shattering the soft silence and eliciting an unhappy groan from Nicky. 

“Fuck, turn it off.” He complained, pressing his face into the pillow. Alex chuckled as he did. “Ugh.” Nicky rolled onto his back, rubbing sleep from his eyes before propping himself up on his elbow. “Sorry.” He added, a little sheepish. 

“Is ok.” Alex said and then, because he couldn’t resist, “I’m big spoon next time.” 

Nicky laughed, his cheeks pink and his eyes warm with fondness. There was something cautiously curious in his expression and Alex deliberately pushed aside speculation. 

Nicky looked well-rested for the first time in weeks, the transformation dramatic. The bags under his eyes were mostly gone and the sparkle returned. There was still heaviness in his limbs, but they were going home. 

They ate a somber breakfast with the team before boarding a bus to the airport. Nicky settled in the seat next to Alex on the plane, nudging him and indicating he remove his headphones. 

“What?” Alex asked. 

“You should come over and see Hanna.” Nicky said. 

“Your parents-“

“Have been trapped with a newborn for the last 4 days.” Nicky interrupted. “They want to go sightseeing.” 

“I don’t want to bother family time.” Alex said, shrugging. 

Nicky shook his head, smiling at him. “They love you. Come over and bring food.” He paused. “Something outside the diet plan, please.” 

Alex brought bags of McDonald, grinning when Nicky laughed in surprise. “That might actually make me sick.” He said, not displeased. Alex pulled a container of tums from his pocket, prompting more laughter. 

“You thought of everything.” 

They feasted on fast food and antacids while Hanna slept and then stretched out on the couch to watch TV- anything but hockey. 

Nicky met Alex’s eye during a commercial break and Alex wasn’t sure if he’d caught Nicky looking at him or the other way around. “What are your plans for the summer? Russia?” He asked carefully.

Alex opened his mouth to answer, but couldn’t. He went home to Russia every summer, but the idea of being that far from Nicky, from Hanna...it twisted something in his chest tightly. “Think maybe stay here for a while.” He said, attempting to be casual. 

Nicky’s eyebrows raised in surprise- pleased surprised, Alex hoped. “Oh. Good. I mean, you can keep me company. If you’re not too busy.” He added. He was blushing when he looked down at Hanna. 

“Never too busy for you and best baby.” Alex asserted. 

Hanna turned out to be the perfect balm for another failed post-season. She didn’t care that Alex couldn’t seem to put together a solid cup run. She didn’t care that the penalty kill was lagging, She only cared that he knew how to make bottles and that he was a functional diaper-changer, who cuddled her. 

She also didn’t care when he stared at her dad when he got back from a run, sweaty and shirtless. 

(And thinking about Nicky as someone’s father was strange.) 

“Everything ok?” Nicky asked, pausing in the entryway. Alex briefly considered that, objectively, Nicky didn’t look attractive at the moment. His hair was weirdly squashed from his hat and the flush of his face was blotchy and uneven. 

“Yeah.” Alex said. “Everything ok.” 

“It’s nice outside.” Nicky said. “Maybe we should take Hanna out.” 

“Where?”

“I don’t know.” Nicky admitted. “I’m just a little stir crazy, being inside so much.” He grinned sheepishly at Alex. 

“You go shower, I find something.” As though there were a shortage of things to walk around in D.C. As though this was something more important than busting Nicky’s rising cabin fever. 

Alex decided on the zoo, because it was an appropriate place to bring a child; even if the child in question slept in a baby sling against Nicky’s chest the entire time. There were also lots of benches and shady spots, in case she got fussy. 

She didn’t; Alex was serious about her being the best baby. 

Nicky was relaxed, letting Alex take pictures of him and Hanna with different animals as they made their way through the zoo. He smiled, even, which Alex knew was rare or at least it was before Hanna was born. Now, Nicky was all soft smiles and it twisted at Alex’s insides, tangling him with want. 

He’d always liked Nicky, had always wanted to be near Nicky, but this was the first time he felt like he had to be. Alex had never delayed going to Russia for anyone, even serious relationships. 

In exchange for discreet autographs, someone took a picture of the three of them together. Alex wanted to save it as his background, but it felt like he was faking it. Nicky wasn’t really his, though you couldn’t tell by the photo. They’d taken several, and the one Alex liked best was one of Nicky was looking at him instead of the camera, leaning into his space with familiarity. 

Alex must have said something, to provoke the fond look on his face, but he couldn’t remember what. 

After the zoo, they got a late lunch at a nearby deli before heading home. 

“Thanks.” Nicky said, once Hanna had been settled in her bassinet. “Nice to get outside.” 

“Good for baby too.”

“Yeah.” Nicky leaned down to kiss her forehead before stepping back. “I think she liked it. She mostly slept.”

“Good for her to sleep new places.” Alex joked as they left the room, baby monitor in Nicky’s hand. 

Nicky nodded, looking up at him. Nicky didn’t look as tired as he had during the post-season, but he’d been on his own since his parents left. Alex knew enough other people with kids, he knew babies were exhausting. 

“You need nap too?” Alex teased. Nicky chuckled, shaking his head. 

“I’m alright.” He said, pushing his hair behind his ears. “Thanks for your help today.” He repeated. 

“No problem.” Alex assured him. 

They settled on the living room couch, watching a baseball game neither of them were particularly interested in. After only a few minutes, Nicky’s head was bobbing as he fought to stay awake. Alex watched him out of the corner of his eye, as Nicky gave in and curled up against the armrest, falling the rest of the way to sleep. 

Alex himself was dozing when the baby monitor came to life, discontent noises that would soon be true cries if someone didn’t get to Hanna soon. He turned it down and hurried upstairs, deciding to let Nicky sleep a while longer. 

Something settled in Alex’s chest as he lifted Hanna from the bassinet and she instantly quieted. “You are the best baby.” He said, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Now, we be sneaky and let your papa sleep, ok?” 

She blinked at him owlishly, momentarily content just that someone was talking to her. She stayed calm as Alex mixed the formula and heated the bottle with a practiced ease. When he finally tipped the nipple into her mouth, she took it eagerly. 

“Hungry like rookies.” Alex teased, carrying her back to the living room. Nicky was still asleep, feet tucked in beneath him. Nicky was average sized, as far as hockey players went, but Alex was amazed at how small he could look. It helped that he wasn’t back up to his off-season bulk yet. 

Hanna easily drank her bottle and burped afterwards. Following that, she was content to snuggle in Alex’s arms, though he suspected there was a diaper change in his near future. 

Hanna was slowly getting bigger, her hair getting longer. It was dark brown, with dandelion-soft curls at the ends. She stared up at him with wide, solemn eyes; sometimes, when something displeased her, her nose wrinkled like Nicky’s. 

Together, they watched the last innings of the baseball game. In Russia, Alex usually partied. He went to clubs, hung out with friends, and drank. Looking between the two sleeping Backstroms, he couldn’t bring himself to miss it. 

Nicky awoke with a start when a commercial played with a baby crying in the background. He blinked at Alex a few times, sleepy brain slow on the uptake. “She’s ok?” He asked head tilted to the side, hair falling in his face. 

“Best baby.” Alex said. 

“You should’ve woken me up.” Nicky smothered a yawn as he scooted closer. 

“Easy to do myself.” Alex assured him. “And, I like feeding her. Makes her happy.” 

Nicky leaned against him, tracing the edge of Hanna’s cheek with his finger. His expression was warm with affection, spilling out of his eyes and leaching into Alex’s soul. It made him feel anchored, like this was home. 

All good things must end, though. Eventually, Alex went to Russia. He missed Nicky and Hanna, pangs of homesickness jabbing between his ribs. Nicky sent pictures and a couple videos, including one of Hanna when she learned she had a voice and could make sounds. Alex replayed it over and over, listening to Nicky’s almost imperceptible laugh at the end. 

Then, the videos, pictures, and messages suddenly stopped. Alex distracted himself with training and family, until a week had passed. Finally, finally, he couldn’t stand it any longer. 

He called, but Nicky didn’t answer. 

Disheartened, Alex threw himself back into training. The next day, Nicky called. Quick math told Alex it should be the middle of the night in D.C and worry percolated in his gut as he answered. “Nicky?”

“Hey.” Nicky’s voice was weak, a little thready. “Sorry, I meant to call you sooner.” In the background, Alex heard a baby crying. 

“Hanna is ok?” 

“She has an ear infection.” Nicky explained. He trailed off into gentle Swedish, something repetitive and soothing. 

“Oh no. You ok?” 

“I’m fine.” Nicky said. “She just won’t sleep. Or eat, really. The doctor said to give it a- shit!” 

“Nicky?” Alex tried to keep his tone level. 

“Sorry, sorry.” Nicky said. “She just threw up on me, that’s all.” 

“Maybe need raincoat for sick baby.” Alex teased, heart rate calming again. “You need anything?”

“Sleep. Better antibiotics. Vodka.” Nicky joked flatly. Hanna whined pitifully in the background, distant and tinny over the phone line. “I know, I’m sorry, Alskling.” He cooed. “It’s not your fault.” 

“Give Hanna lots of kisses from me.” Alex said. “Sorry, Nicky.”

“Thank you.”

If Alex did some pretty extensive googling about ear infections after the phone call, well, that wasn’t anyone else’s business but his own. 

Two days later, Alex got a simple text that ripped the ground out from under his feet and plunged him into an ice bath. 

‘Taking Hanna to ER.’ 

Alex had been skating, checking his phone on the bench during a water break. “I have to go.” He told his trainer. He held up his phone. “Family emergency.” 

Alex felt powerless, too far away to help. He started looking at flights, because what good was money if he didn’t use it on important things? Remembering Nicky’s distress after they were knocked out of the play-offs, he couldn’t imagine anything more important than being by his side now. 

Impressively, Alex found a series of flights that got him to D.C less than 24 hours later. By then, he’d gotten a text from Nicky telling him the doctors decided to keep Hanna at the hospital. 

He didn’t tell Nicky he was coming. He didn’t even go to his house first. He took a cab to the hospital, suitcase and all, and followed a series of instructions that guided him to the third floor. Hanna was in room 308. 

Alex stopped in the doorway, freezing at the sight. Nicky was awake, but barely, in a recliner. Hanna was resting against his chest. He was holding an oxygen mask beside her face and she fussed intermittently. There was an IV in her tiny arm and a board to secure it. 

“Sasha?” Nicky asked, hoarse and exhausted. A little uncertain, like maybe he thought the sleep deprivation was getting to him. 

Alex didn’t know what to say. It hadn’t occurred to him that he’d need to explain himself. “Hi.” He waved his hand awkwardly, dropping his bag by the door. 

“Hi.” Nicky swallowed hard, his eyes wet. “You didn’t have to-“ 

“Don’t be dumb.” Alex interrupted. He squeezed Nicky’s arm. “How is she?”

Nicky looked back down at her, fidgeting with the tiny hospital band around her ankle. “Their giving her antibiotics. And- and breathing treatments.” He rattled the oxygen mask in his hand. “She’s doing better.” 

“How is papa?” Alex asked, trying to keep his tone bright. Even so, Nicky’s face crumpled. Fat tears dripped down his cheeks. “Oh, Nicky…” He said before hugging him, mindful of the infant between them. 

“I’m sorry.” Nicky said, drying his face. “I just- I feel like I failed her.” He shifted Hanna to hold her more upright as she coughed, weak sounds that made Alex’s chest tighten. He couldn’t imagine how Nicky felt, helpless and overwhelmed. 

“Babies get sick sometimes.” Alex said. “When you last eat?” 

“I don’t know.” Nicky mumbled, holding the tiny mask closer to his daughters face. She wouldn’t tolerate it actually touching her. 

“I get you food.” Alex said. Nicky opened his mouth to protest but Alex shushed him. “Let me help.”

It was simple to get two meals from the hospital cafeteria. It was almost habit to take Hanna while Nicky ate. “So much bigger now.” He told her quietly, though it had only been a month. “Not ready for you to grow up.” 

Watching Nicky cover his face and try to hold himself together was agony. Strong, reserved Nicky, whom Alex had once watched take a high stick without even flinching; Nicky, who had shouldered all their teams’ losses beside him for years. He shook apart quietly. From the doorway, the noises probably weren’t even audible, but up close it was devastating.

Nicky’s nose ran and his eyes squinted shut against the tears. Sobs caught in his throat and he splintered and cracked under the weight of everything, all his responsibilities and stress. Alex couldn’t move to him; he was tethered by a half-asleep baby, oxygen tubing, and an IV. 

“When you last sleep?” He asked tenderly. Nicky shrugged. He was slow to pull himself together. “How long they keep her?” Alex asked. 

“Maybe sending her home tomorrow.” Nicky said shakily. 

“Good. That’s good.” Alex said firmly. “One more night, Nicky. You got this.” 

“Can you...can you hold her a little longer?” Nicky asked, hesitant. Alex wondered if he felt guilty, asking for help like that. Alex wanted to tell him that one person couldn’t be responsible for a baby, not all alone. And he’d meant it when he said they were family. 

Alex would hold Hanna until she was 12, if that’s what Nicky wanted. “Of course. Missed her, need to catch up with snuggles.” He kissed her head, still a touch feverish. 

“Thank you.” Nicky said, before disappearing into the bathroom. 

He was gone a long time and Alex could hear each hitching, sobbing breath, even over the sound of the sink running. Alex stroked Hanna’s hair. She wouldn’t ever look like Nicky, but Alex thought she was learning to make the same faces. Or maybe it was wishful thinking that the scrunch of her nose looked so familiar. 

When Nicky returned, he looked completely sapped of any energy. Comparatively, Alex felt awake. He was sure the jet lag would kick in eventually, but he’d slept for most of the flight. “Here, sit comfy chair and sleep a little.”

“I’m-“

“I sleep all the way from Moscow, now I’m awake. Have lots of stories to tell Hanna. Maybe take her to visit sometime.” Alex said, gentle and just enough teasing that Nicky wouldn’t feel he was being treated with kid gloves, even when he was. 

“Ok.” Nicky said, settling in the chair. “If anything happens-“

“Wake you, got it.” Alex started telling Hanna about Moscow in Russian. He kept his voice low and Nicky was asleep within minutes. Nicky slept through the nurse coming in to check on Hanna. 

“She looks like her dad.” The nurse said, smiling up at Alex as she injected a medicine into the IV. 

Alex’s cheeks flushed. “I’m not- she’s adopted.” He explained hastily. 

“Oh! I’m sorry. It’s the dark hair.” She apologized. 

“Is ok. She is very cute.” Alex chuckled. He rubbed Hanna’s head as she started to whimper. “Shh, you wake your papa.” He chided gently. 

“Sorry, sweetheart. I’m all done with that now.” The nurse cooed, gently releasing her arm. “She’s beautiful.” 

“Best baby.” Alex agreed. 

“Let me know if you need anything else, alright?” The nurse set the call button within arm’s reach. Before she left, she smiled. “It’s nice that you’re here. We were worried about him.” She said, nodding towards Nicky before she left. 

Alex leaned back in the chair. Hanna had fallen asleep but he was still wide awake. Time ticked by slowly until Nicky opened his eyes again, blinking sleep from his eyes. 

“Good morning.” Alex said cheerfully. 

“Time is it?” Nicky yawned, stretching. 

“4AM.” Alex said. Nicky groaned. 

“I can take her back.” He offered. “I’m sorry-“

“Team is family.” Alex said, cutting in. “You didn’t make me come here. Hanna sick, you worried, I can’t stay away.” 

Nicky’s gaze was heavy on him. “You flew here before you knew they were keeping her.” Nicky said, quiet. Alex stilled, feeling pinned; Nicky was going to figure him out, and then what? “Why?”

“Nicky…” Alex wheedled, cheeks flushing. 

“Just tell me why.” Nicky said. “Tell me I’m not crazy.” Nicky’s voice was certain but his hands were nervously twisting the ends of his sleeves. 

“You’re not crazy.” Alex answered. “I couldn’t...I couldn’t be not here when you need help.” He couldn’t bring himself to meet Nicky’s eye anymore. He held the oxygen mask closer to Hanna and soothed her when she whined. 

“Thank you.” 

Alex stood awkwardly, careful as he transferred Hanna back to Nicky’s arms. Leaning over them, he pressed a kiss to Nicky's forehead. Nicky closed his eyes, tilting his head back. Their noses bumped and they both stilled. 

“Not doing first kiss with sick baby in hospital.” Alex said sotto voce, kissing his forehead again. “Maybe once you sleep again, you change your mind.” He settled back in his chair. 

Nicky shook his head. “I won’t.” He swore. He watched Alex out of the corner of his eye as he adjusted Hanna’s blanket. “Are you going to change your mind?”

Alex snorted. “Haven’t for 10 years, why start now?” He laughed. Nicky smiled at him, fond and surprised. 

“Even when Hanna’s a terrible toddler?” He teased. There was another question buried in that one, but Alex couldn’t imagine a world where he didn’t love everything about Nicky. 

“Hanna will be best toddler.” Alex said with surety. 

Nicky nodded. “Of course.” 

They were both exhausted by the time Hanna was discharged from the hospital in late afternoon. She had a home nebulizer and Nicky and Alex had both diligently put it together and taken it apart under the watchful eye of a respiratory therapist. 

“I drive.” Alex volunteered. Nicky relinquished the keys easily, settling in the backseat so he could keep an eye on Hanna. 

Nicky settled Hanna in her crib, which had been pulled into Nicky’s bedroom. “She was really sick, so…” he trailed off, shrugging his shoulders. 

“Good for her to be close.” Alex finished, nodding. “Ok, Hanna sleep, we sleep.” 

Nicky nodded. Alex tugged him into the bed, wrapping an arm around his middle. “You little spoon this time.” He joked. 

“I guess it’s only fair.” Nicky said, bemusedly diplomatic. Alex laced their fingers together, squeezing gently. “You don’t have to-“

“Nicky.” Alex sighed, exasperated. “When was the last time I do something I don’t want?”

“Ok, ok.” Nicky chuckled, slowly starting to relax. “This is a lot to jump into. I can’t do something casual.” 

Alex laughed softly, his breath blowing Nicky’s hair. “Everything serious with you.” His teasing tone dropped. “I know you; know you best of anyone.”

“Yeah, you do.” Nicky whispered. 

“Know you need to sleep.” Alex said. “And talk later.” 

“Ok.” Weariness made his vowels slurred and gentle. “I’m glad you’re here.” 

Alex kissed a smile into Nicky’s shoulder, hugging him even closer. His travels caught up with him and he dozed off peacefully. 

When he awoke, Hanna was crying and Nicky was singing, something lulling and soft. Alex kept his eyes closed for a minute, listening; he’d never heard Nicky sing before. Finally, he pushed himself up and followed what he assumed was a lullaby, though he didn’t understand Swedish. 

Nicky was swaying in the middle of the living room, a halo of blond hair hanging around his face. He was rubbing Hanna’s back and trying to hold the nebulizer near her face. He was limited by the reach of the tubing, rocking side to side. 

“Need help?” Alex asked. 

“She doesn’t like the machine.” Nicky explained. Then, to Hanna. “I know, I don’t like this either.” He said, wrinkling his nose. 

Alex frowned, sympathetic to her blight. “Is not fun, but makes you better.” He explained to the baby. 

Finally, the treatment was finished and Alex brought a warm bottle, which Hanna accepted gratefully. Nicky settled on the couch, propping up his feet on the coffee table. Alex plopped down beside him, draping his arm around his shoulder. 

Alex felt warm as Nicky leaned against his side. It was late or maybe early, Alex wasn’t sure anymore, and he ached with weariness but Nicky tucked in beside him made everything else melt away. 

“Are you thinking, or just jet lagged?” Nicky asked in undertones. Alex’s attention snapped to Nicky’s green eyes. 

“Maybe both.” Alex admitted. 

A smile crinkled around Nicky’s eyes but didn’t reach his lips. “Second thoughts?” He asked, a steady mask hiding something more vulnerable. 

“Never.” Alex said with certainty. 

A crease furrowed between Nicky’s brow. “Sasha, I can’t- you have to be really sure.” Nicky said, searching his face. 

“I’m never more sure.” Alex promised. “We go slow, I show you.” Nicky bit his lip, hesitant. “Nicky…” 

“I like you.” Nicky began. “A lot, actually.” His cheeks flushed pink. “I just worry… if we break up, Hanna will be hurt.” 

Alex’s stomach clenched, knowing he was right. “I know. But I never do anything to hurt Hanna, I promise.” 

“I know.” Nicky nodded. Alex still sensed trepidation. 

“I never do anything to hurt you, either.” He added softly. “Never cheat on you.” 

Nicky’s eyes lost their intensity and he dropped his gaze to Hanna, stroking her cheek. “I know. I trust you. It’s just…” 

Alex felt a little bit of his heart break. “You get hurt, before.” He finished. Nicky pressed his lips together, shoulders shrugging up tight. “It’s ok. Happened to me, too, I understand.” 

“You-“ Nicky’s eyes jumped to his face. 

Alex offered a lopsided smile. “Engagement doesn’t just fall apart.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Long time ago now.” Alex said easily. “I like you. Want to kiss you.” 

Nicky offered him a fond smile, lips curving up perfectly at the corners. “I’d like that.” Alex leaned closer, only a few millimeters separating their lips. 

Nicky closed his eyes, tilting his head and closing the distance between them. Alex closed his eyes and savored the warmth of Nicky’s lips, the way they felt soft and plump against his own. Nicky smelled slightly like formula and baby lotions. Alex raised a hand to cup his cheek. 

Hanna babbled loudly, breaking the mood. “Sorry.” Nicky apologized, eyes happy. “Do you need kisses too?” He lifted her upright, kissing her cheek. Alex pressed a loud kiss to the other and Hanna smiled at him. 

Alex’s mouth dropped open a little. He’d seen a couple pictures of Hanna’s new smile, had been sad that he missed it, but she was smiling at him- she was smiling because of him. It felt better than scoring, better than winning.

Alex carefully picked her up and gave her another kiss, smacking his lips obnoxiously. Hanna’s smile widened, a little drool running down from her mouth. “You are the best baby.” He said, kissing her again. “Beautiful smile.” Looking to the side, he saw that Nicky was smiling too, dimples showing. 

Nicky leaned over and blew a raspberry against Alex’s face, laughing when Hanna startled at the noise and jerked her arms up and down. Alex kissed him again, feeling his lips morph from a smile to a kiss beneath his, parting slightly. 

Maybe home was Russia, but home was here too. Nicky pressed into his space and Hanna in his arms, he couldn’t imagine a better place to be.  



End file.
